I wondered this morning what I am going to do with my last few words,
What will be the measure of my life? What will my words say about me?
Some days I have the opportunity to carefully choose what I will say,
And, I say to myself, “That was a good conversation, it was full of life”,
Sometimes I leave a conversation deeply disappointed
seeing that even my kindest words didn’t touch the other person’s pain.
When I am in full flight letting go of my angry barrage of barbed arrows, with poisoned tips,
Regret quickly follows with it’s too late apologies, I see the damage is done,
Too late to take it back. The best I can do is resolve to find better words next time,
Knowing too well that even as I make this vow, I am doomed to disappoint again,
Why do we do this to ourselves and those we love the most, over and over!
I look forward to the day when these words will cease, and all tears will be wiped away.
Knowing that the words I have chosen will be the measure of my life
asks me to consider my response to the arrows that are pointed to me,
Whether I will draw my bow in anger or seek a gentler way of making my point,
Then there’s a lingering sense of feeling like every conversation is not quite finished,
As if it’s waiting for something else that will bring perfection to its conclusion,
Is this the “word from above” that we are all yearning for? The one that I desire.
I hate that friendships die, because of the words that shattered love that once ran deep,
The choice of love is thwarted by the a greater love, or is it hate? Of self.
In any case the death words show the true intent of the heart, how selfish we can be.
The truth that I don’t want to hear isn’t just in the words spoken, but in the angry tone, the
eyes full of contempt, and the threatening posture. It comes from my broken spirit,
cowering because everything that I thought was true is a lie – Maybe the greater truth
is my discovery of how easy it is let go of love for something far less noble.
When I couldn’t sleep this morning I wondered what my unease was saying to me?
I realised that my sleepless came because of sadness for the times when I have failed,
And, knowing I am the blessed recipient of kind words again and again,
Seeing in this life I have chosen to love with all my heart, whatever life has thrown up.
I treasure my beautiful friendships, I cry at the ones lost, and am thankful for the
fierce loyalty of my best friend, who shares with the me seriousness of love’s responsibilities.
I am not sure if this is a prayer or a poem, or just a collection of emotions,
scattered across a sheet of paper. But, I trust that my words will heard with kindness today.
