The weather where I live has for the last couple of days been quite gloomy. There was a biting wind and then a foggy drizzle that lasted all day. I also realised that there had been an increasing sense of unease in myself that had grown over the past week or so. The weather brought to light the inner sadness that was becoming the predominate voice I was listening to.
This was not a welcome intrusion into my life. I prefer a conversation that is about my successes. But, I noticed that for no particular reason I was having a conversation with myself about a possible failure that may occur. The words that I was saying to myself were anticipating the worst outcome that is more than likely not going to happen.
Once I would have tried to replace this conversation with positive words. But, this time I decided to approach it differently. I decided to find the gold in my present state and in the words that I was saying to myself. I realised a certain amount of sadness is necessary for the soul to develop. Avoidance of sadness is akin to having a soul lobotomy that will result in my forgetting the goodness that allows me to begin to understand my sadness’ source.
Kierkegaard reflected that it was through his own sadness that he could respond best to the voice of a higher power. I felt the truth of his words as I explored my sense of sadness that has grown over the past week or so. My rumination until today was depleting my store of hope.
Today I decided to attend to my soul. Instead of trying to deny what I was feeling I was able to engage in my exploration of the divine. My day began with a Psalm and concluded with a poem. Starting my day with a time of reflection allowed me to put my day in order. Concluding with a poem indulged an exploration of my inner conversations and the emotions associated with what I was saying to myself.
At the end of all this self reflection nothing was solved. But, I felt connected to my soul and challenged about my conversations. Visting my sadness makes me a little more careful about the words I choose to speak. It shapes my conversation and allows me to be empathetic to the sadnesses of those that I encounter each day.
The Voice of Sadness
In the cold dawn,
I felt the breath of sadness,
Touching my lips,
Beginning a conversation,
With words repeating,
A funeral dirge,
That robs life’s joy,
The misplaced emphasis,
Of what might be,
Instead of what is now.
The day’s gloomy embrace,
Wraps its cold arms around me,
Its voice a frosty reminder,
Of a chilly encounter,
Between my head and heart,
With what is desired,
And where I belong right now.
It’s the conversation least wanted,
But, it’s hurtful words,
Remind my soul,
Of the words I need the most,
Kinder words joining together,
My head and heart,
Kindness’ warm breath,
Replenishing my spirit,
Drawing me to the conversation,
With words chosen just for me.