A couple of encounters with people have impacted me lately. Yesterday April and I walked past a guy begging outside our shopping centre. Another human being but down on his luck. And, then recently I had a conversation with an ex soldier in the middle of our street for two hours. He shared deeply, cried and is still dealing with what he had to do in his service for our country.

This poem emerged from these encounters where I thought about the importance of noticing people. And, realising that there are places where I am poor and broken. We share the same humanity.

Do we listen
And, hear the story
Told in down turned eyes
Fingers clasped around a beggars tin.
Or, find the broken pieces
When war makes humans inhumane
A life crumbles around duty.
Do I listen – Did I see?
Or, do I rush on holding a big empty tin
Filled with nothing – But, it feels heavy
Busy with all I should do
The beggar and the soldier silently speaking to me.

How much am I prepared to love? To open my heart to trust what love I offer will be accepted is always risky. I love this painful, broken path that God calls me into - deeper into loving.

I find that love
Starts
With reaching out
To touch
Another’s wounds
Finding
That special word
Spoken kindly
Is where 
Love begins.

I don’t know much
Except
I can choose
To love
Even when confused
Or dismayed
When
My fears overwhelm me
I reach out
Into darkness
Choosing to love.

Love is about now
Kindness now
Soft words
Now
Forgiveness now
Not something hoped for
No
The words I speak today
Finding a heart
Needing love
Broken
Open to my love.
 

This morning
 I see how
 I feel most alive
 When my heart is touched
 By a simple song
 That finds God
 In the painful steps
 Through the desert.
 
“I ain’t got weary yet
 I been in the wilderness a mighty long time
 And I ain’t got weary yet”
 
Worship is mostly about
 A bended knee
 Tears shed
 Humbling humiliations
 And, my wondering heart
 Seeking to be loved
 To know I am not alone
 Loving the joy
 That finds me here.

I am not sure
 That when Moses
 Stumbled onto
 A burning bush
 That he believed
 Now is the time
 To walk to freedom.
 
Did the “I am”
 Make any more sense
 In bafflement of a fire
 That didn’t consume
 Its source?
 
When my attention
 Is divided
 What is the sign
 That will make me stop?
 
If I wander for much longer
 Will I even see
 A burning bush.
 Is it in front of me now?

Stay here
Breath
Moments of rest
This solitary stopping
Cannot be captured
Only nurtured
By paying attention
To what is trusted.

Lonely idleness
Is a refuge
To the constant call
Of never satisfied
Demands
That begins the day.

Stay here
Where belonging begins
No task matters more
Than seeing my aloneness
Capturing a glimpse
Of where home is
A quiet moment
Stilling everything
Trust now.

Sometimes everything that is planned for is lost in a short conversation that changes everything. Promises are quickly forgotten and life quickly moves on for everyone.

Similarly misplaced loyalty can bring the same disappointment. One day loyalty will be sacrificed to something that is held more dearly by your betrayer.

Yet the ache continues to encourage us to seek something better. Hopefully guided by love, that gathers up all our misplaced trusting and secures it in a life that was formed by love.

I DON’T TRUST

I don’t trust
Tears
That dry quickly
Their source easily discarded.

I don’t trust
Promises
Their words not touching reality
Just words spoken.

I don’t trust
Truth
That doesn’t love wholeheartedly
Becoming lies said nicely.

I don’t trust
Loyalty
That when tested by fire
Melts away to nothing.

I don’t trust
Love
Except when I see
Tears
Promises
Truth
Loyalty
Forming a life
I hope the life that lives in me.

Love is always inviting us to step forward. Leaving behind what has been broken.

I spent time thinking about this just recently. Wondering about the things that I have been asked to leave behind already in the past few years. But, in the midst of this seeking out what is love’s call on my life today. To whom will I be asked to commit my spirit to today. What will be the surprise that is waiting for me?

THE BIGGEST MISTAKE

The biggest mistake
Is to believe
That this moment
Will stay
Lingering
After
The day’s warmth leaves
Darkness settling
Over what once burned brightly.

Love always refuses
Stubbornly
To follow
A safe path
It draws me to the edge
Asking me to trust
Again
To stretch out my arms
Committing
My spirit
Without prejudice
To be welcomed
Or turned away.

The biggest mistake
Is to stay
Rooted
To what once was
Imagined
How love would be
Instead
I am invited
Forward
My arms outstretched
My spirit committed
Welcoming
What is here
What is waiting.

These early morning thoughts rose out of the jumble that has been life over the past few days. A day spent listening to someone’s story – a daughter flying out to New York – Hearing the call of the mappie family that have shared our yard for years – Being human and feeling all come together in this poem to express some early morning thoughts.

Early Morning Thoughts

When searching for the rhythm
Of a poem
That I believe
Is waiting for me
I don’t always know
What words will come.

Could it be this nagging unease
This weight of living
That this world brings with it
The unknowns of love
Being loved
Being heard
Could this come true?
For me – So I know love
Among these early morning thoughts.

Every morning waking
To this day seeking
Wanting to know more about love
Discovering by listening
Sometimes found waiting
With someone
For hours
Till the truth, the broken bits
Are shown
Given as a gift
I watch the anxious eyes
Waiting to see if they are brushed away
Or taken up and caressed
With tender appreciation.

Early morning thoughts
Come with the first bird sounds
Our home shared
With a magpie family
Who live with us –
Sharing
Protecting
Their family
Greeting us with a morning call
Every morning
Their thoughts begin with nurturing
Their child
Truth discovered in sharing
A few thoughts
From the early morning.

So this is what 27 years of marriage feels like. The beauty and the sadnesses that are a part of caring and are witnesses to the gift of love that I am privileged to know.

Love can feel like
A beautiful sunrise
Rising every day
In a symphony of light
My heart singing
Laughter flooding every moment
Capturing the sounds
Of hearts connected.

Love flourishes
In the garden of
Shared precious spaces
A new path walked
Discovering fresh shoots together
Giving, sacred faith
In what only love can hold
And, what it sets free.

The tears that come with love
Show me
In each drop that flows
That sadness is the witness
To how love forms
In the sunrises, sacred spaces
And, our tears,
Only we can laugh and cry this way
Our secret paths
That only we have walked
Nourishing the love found here.

I live in the security of knowing what loyal love feels like. I think that I discover more about my purpose by noticing the life that we share.Understanding this sort of love changes everything.

WHY AM I HERE?

What if my one purpose
Was to notice
The way that you smile
And invite others to laugh with you,
Or, the story your eyes tell me
About the tears you cried
Because you love wholeheartedly,
Or, is it to wander in your adored garden
Seeing new shoots bring happiness to your day,
Maybe, I was placed on this earth
To achieve one thing
To be with you.

I have always loved trains. There is something wonderful about the way you travel on a train. Especially if you get a cabin/daysitter and have some space while still moving along.

Somehow in that space the focus shifts. It’s a very different experience to flying or buses where you are loaded into a cramped space that tries to make the transport company as much money as possible.

April and I recently travelled by train.I didn’t do much for most of the time. But, I did write this:

A WHOLE DAY

A whole day
Watching
A world viewed
From the perspective
Of a framed glass window
And, two tracks
Guiding my way
Set in steel,
And, a space
Where I can do nothing
Except wait.

The unfolding boredom
Reminds me
Of how obsessed
I have become
About destinations,
Worrying about arriving
And a million other things
That fill my world.

The best days
Are found
In in-between places
Putting aside everything
Except what is here
Finding a view that is mine
Thinking
Or, not thinking about much,
Realising while going to,
I am arriving
My destination
Hours away
And, right here
For a whole day.

I’ve been thinking about this for days, Till I had to write a few words. This is what love can feel like …

Love feels like
A kind word
That surprised me
Creating
Not dismantling
Warming
Somewhere deep inside
Found
In that quiet moment
Of trust
When what I desire most
Is discovered.

The simple words
Of love, mostly
Don’t need sentences
Soft eyes
Say far more
Than a stream of words
Willing to stay
A moment shared, here
Silent words
That are needed, or not,
Unspoken love songs
Say so much.

I loved this moment with the family – a reminder for me to be kind.

Maybe I will stay here
A little longer
Enjoying the joy
Of a smile
That I have noticed
Just now
When I paused
To welcome
Today.

Maybe there is hope
That life
With its daily dying
Will take hold
In me
Seeing a little further
Just now,
Today,
In this pause.

Maybe here,
Is what was always planned
Maybe this smile
Will spread
Further
Than I ever dreamed
Waiting
With a smile
Noticing
What is here today.

This poem was written in a quiet moment when I stopped working for a couple of hours. I was in the middle of my favourite walk when I sat for an hour in the middle of a large natural reserve where I love to walk. I was recognising as I step back into light my recent dip in mood. I am not sure if you call this “depression” but I think its words were trying to make themselves heard.

Even though I feel lighter now, nothing has changed. I still question God about his plans for my life. These questions are not answered by the usual bible verses about his plans always being good for me, or knowing what I am going through is all part of a grander plan. Honestly, verses like this aren’t much use to me and how I feel now.

My life is full of good things, I have a good marriage, I have plenty of work. I have a home to live in but, having these things leads me to other questions about my worth, my understanding of joy and my desire for purpose. This is not about being ungrateful for what I have. I live with a deep sense of gratitude for what I do have. I don’t want to just settle with what I have even in its goodness. I want to feel this deeper ache to its fullest.

This want to feel deeply not a desire for self flagellation or to deny myself of good things. It’s about keeping these good things in their place and recognising that there is still more that God has for me.

I find it’s good questions that lead me forward. Fullness isn’t found in the easily spoken answers that keeps everything in nice tidy boxes. No, I find it’s those questions that lead me to as sense of wonder, where my imagination is able to take hold in the midst of the question and lead me into further possibilities. A good question allows me to understand all the fullness of who I am and reveals those parts that are less than full.

When I wonder

Sometimes
I wonder
Why God isn’t clear
About his intentions
When surrounded
By beauty
I am
Lost in random purpose
Even the small voice
Is quiet
My imagination
Stifled
In this silence

I question
Everything,
I once believed
Reality is different
In the presence of my questions
I doubt God understands
When silence
Is his response.

I carry a weight
Of longing
Uncomfortably
On this path
Not knowing
What lies beyond
My present unknowing
Living with unformed questions
Inviting me forward.

Stop here
This strange place
With uncertain sounds
All around
Unexpected delaying
Waiting
This task, now,
Asking to stay here,
Telling me to
stop,
My abrupt halt,
Awkwardly positions,
Uncomfortably
That next step, waiting,
One foot stretched out
Anticipating,
What’s next
What could be
Not, yet.

Quiet,
Stop speaking,
Stop moving,
Stop here,
Stop.

The rustle in the forest
The sounds of life,
Scurrying away 
From my noisy passing by,
My clumping footsteps,
Disrupting the life’s flow,
Goannas running up trees,
Echidnas arming spikes,
The birds flitting around,
Bush turkeys scratching at their piles,
The place where life finds me,
Where I join this life filled world.

And I wonder, Why?
What makes me run away;
Or, bunker down in self defence;
Or, flit from one thing to the next;
Or, this deep desire;
To build my home from straw.

When I inhale
The forest air
The same breathe
As the psalmist
I feel the same questions
Rising up.

I hear the cry
Of being forgotten
Not heard
I see
All around
Voices crying with me.

Questions that leave me
Wondering
What is it I desire?
What is it I really feel?
Didn’t I breath deep enough.

So I go to where I am alone
To inhale
Listening to the chatter
Birds singing
A morning blessing
My welcome
To today.

I inhale
And breath
Waiting impatiently
For a whisper
Speaking to my questions
Hoping
That my breath
Is not wasted
In this moment
Shared with the birds
And their blessing.

If I want to find myself,
I write a poem,
That searches out my feelings,
My foolish dreams and ideas,
But, I find myself tiring,
Of myself,
Never satisfied,
Always wanting,
Believing half truths
Always aching,
Uncertain,
Always ……

When I want to find God,
I start with love,
I find my satisfactions,
Half truths,
Aches,
Uncertainties,
Are heard, seen,
Touched,
Soothed,
Loved for what they are,
For what I am,
And, I pray,
Starting with –
My Father,
My forgiver,
My Lord, here I am,
Thank you.