Chris Gribble

Be yourself - Everyone else is taken (Oscar Wilde)

Great Tips for finding happiness etc.

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When looking for my daily dose of a positive affirmation this post came up:

  • Use applied faith – faith in the moment of any given situation that there is a seed of opportunity or growth
  • Trust the process of life
  • Set your intent wisely. Intention is very powerful and it organizes the power with in the field of pure potentiality
  • Center yourself by relaxing the body and calming the mind
  • Increase self-awareness by practicing mindfulness – present moment focus
  • read the rest here….

I especially liked the last one which was to create a sacred space in your home. We live in one of the most beautiful places in the world and I sometimes forget to take the time to appreciate it.

backyard
This is my backyard.

Using the 4 Temperaments to help in your self understanding

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A contributing factor to how we handle stress is our temperament. This is something that is imprinted on our DNA and is a part of the picture that determines how we approach and deal with life. We all know of the types who can laugh at any situation and see the positives in everything that comes their way. Then there are those who face the same situation and may find it overwhelming and not be able to see any good whatsoever.

The original temperaments were developed by Hippocrates who developed it from a physiological theory of four basic body fluids (humours): blood, phlegm, black bile, and yellow bile. According to their relative predominance in the individual, they were supposed to produce, respectively, temperaments designated sanguine (warm, pleasant), phlegmatic (slow-moving, apathetic), melancholic (depressed, sad), and choleric (quick to react, hot tempered).

There is some question as to the scientific validity of temperament theory that I would like to acknowledge. But, as you read through the temperaments we all will recognise people we know who are just like the description. There are also combinations of temperament that we all with have to some degree. This must also be a part of the context by which we use any such description. The description of the temperaments is only a tool to allow you to know yourself just that little bit better.

Finally a warning: Don’t allow your temperament to determine who you are. We are more than just the sum of a few personality traits and should look at a range of tools to contribute to the picture that we have of ourselves.

But in the meantime enjoy the unique qualities that you have and learn to enjoy the differences in others as you understand more those differences.

THE SANGUINE TEMPERAMENT Men and women with the sanguine temperament are warm, buoyant, and lively. They are naturally receptive, and external impressions easily find their way to their hearts. Their emotions rather than reflective thoughts are the basis of most of their decisions.

Sanguine types enjoy people, shy away from solitude, and are at their best when surrounded by friends, where they can take center stage. They have an endless repertoire of interesting stories to tell, making them fun to be around at parties or social gatherings.

Back when they were in high school, the sanguine types were voted “Most Likely to Succeed,” but they often fall short of this prediction because of weak wills. Sanguines who find themselves ineffective and undependable tend to become restless, undisciplined, egocentric, and emotionally explosive.

THE CHOLERIC TEMPERAMENT The choleric temperament is found in people who are hot, quick, active, practical, and strong-willed. They tend to be self-sufficient, independent, decisive, and opinionated, finding it easy to make decisions for themselves as well as for others.

Adversaries seldom frighten them; conversely, cholerics welcome the challenge because they want to prove they are right. They possess dogged determination and often succeed where others fail not because their plans are better than anyone else’s but because they push long after others have become discouraged and quit. These natural-born leaders will storm the hill or take on city hall. Their motto: Either lead, follow, or get out of the way.

The choleric’s emotional nature is the least developed part of their temperament. They do not suffer fools gladly, nor do they sympathize easily with others. Male cholerics are often embarrassed or disgusted by the sight of other men crying. They have little appreciation for the fine arts because their primary interests lie in the utilitarian values of life.

Cholerics, male or female, have a hard time with people skills. They don’t need babying or pampering, and it’s hard for them to adapt their styles to the needs of other people. Cholerics are difficult folks to live with. They can come across as hot-tempered, cruel, impetuous, and self-sufficient. The person with this temperament is often more appreciated by friends and associates than by members of his or her family.

THE MELANCHOLY TEMPERAMENT Melancholy people are often dark, moody individuals prone to analyzing everything to death. Nonetheless, they can be self-sacrificing, gifted perfectionists with sensitive emotional natures. That’s why many of the world’s great artists, musicians, inventors, philosophers, and educators have been of the melancholy temperament.

These self-described introverts come hardwired with a variety of moods dominated by their emotions. Sometimes melancholics’ moods will lift them to heights of ecstasy (“I just loved the new Julia Roberts movie!”), but five minutes later, they can become gloomy and depressed (“I just can’t seem to snap out of it”). If this occurs, spouses need to watch out. Withdrawn melancholics can be quite antagonistic and hard on a marriage.

When they’re in a good mood, melancholics are your best buddies and friends. Unlike sanguine men and women, however, they do not make friends easily. Melancholics are initially reserved when meeting people, preferring for new acquaintances to come to them. They are perhaps the most dependable of all the temperaments because their perfectionist tendencies do not permit them to let others down.

Melancholics have an uncanny ability to figure out what to do when obstacles are placed in their paths. If a project needs to be completed within a seemingly impossible time frame, you can be sure a melancholic will find a way. This foresight contrasts sharply with cholerics, who rarely anticipate problems but are confident they can handle anything that comes their way.

THE PHLEGMATIC TEMPERAMENT Everyone loves to be around those with phlegmatic temperaments. They act calm, cool, and collected. They travel through life in the slow lane, content to take it easy. Life for phlegmatic people is one happy, pleasant experience after another, which is why they avoid entanglements with others as much as possible.

Phlegmatic types seldom get ruffled. They are the types who rarely express anger or laugh until tears are running down their cheeks. Their temperament remains steady. Beneath their cool, reticent, almost timid personalities, phlegmatics draw from a good combination of abilities. They feel more emotion than appears on the surface and have a great capacity to appreciate the fine arts and the better things of life.

Since phlegmatics enjoy people, they do not lack for friends. They are natural-born conversationalist who love to hear a good story as much as they enjoy telling one. Known for their dry sense of humor, they have the ability to see the lighter side in everyday situations. Their retentive minds delight in poking fun at the other temperament types.

The chief weakness of phlegmatics, which often keeps them from fulfilling their potential, is their dearth of motivation. Some husbands will say this about their phlegmatic wives: “She is a wonderful wife and mother, but she is one lousy housekeeper.” A frustrated wife might say, “Joe is a wonderful husband, but he can’t seem to get a promotion.”

Although they are easy to live with, phlegmatics have a careless, low-pressure way of living that can irritate a hyperactive partner to no end. [1]

[1] The temperaments are summarised from “How to Be Happy Though Married”, Tim LaHaye. Published by Tyndale House Publishers.

5 Tips for Public Speaking

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I speak publicly nearly every week. If you had asked me 20 years ago what I would be doing then public speaking would not have been on my list. But because I have been a minister of a church for most of my adult life this has required me to speak in public on a very regular basis.

Being and effective public speaker is essential for those who wish to be able to influence others positively. IT is a skill that can be learned but it requires hard work. Don’t be afraid of those people who seem to have a natural talent for public speaking for anyone to say anything worthwhile requires that they also have the character to match what they are saying. The world is full of shooting stars who are able to shoot their mouth off but if you are committed to this task and have the character to match you will be able to continue to say things that are valuable for a long time.

 These are some of the things that have helped me in my Public Speaking:

  1. I believe in what I am talking about. Each week I am speaking about something that is one of my core motivators in life. It has been a privilege to have a platform where I can organize my thoughts and present them in a coherent framework. I don’t find public speaking to be a natural talent of mine and I find it quite exhausting. But, I do it week after week because I believe in what I am talking about. Find something that you are enthusiastic about and believe in and that will enable you to continue on even when you are not feeling all that successful about it.
  2. Join Toastmasters I did this at a very early stage in my public speaking career. It was a great training ground where we had to present impromptu and organized speeches and receive feedback. Toastmasters were also great for their social interaction and contacts that I made.
  3. Doing it over and over. After a while it gets easier to work out how words will flow, how one paragraph will flow into the next and all the other nuances of what creates a compelling speech. People have mentioned that in my normal conversation I can tend to be a bit disjointed but in my public speaking I am very fluent. The reason for this is because I have practiced my public speaking, over and over again. Before I have given any presentation I have usually done the whole thing in private at least twice, with all my hand gestures and positions on the stage as well.
  4. Build a repertoire of stories. Stories are the lifeblood of any public speaker. The best stories are the ones that relate to a personal experience it gives credibility to what you are saying. I recently listened to several presentations by a very accomplished public speaker but he lacked the personal touch. It’s a delicate balance between being seen as just talking about yourself and vulnerability but good public speakers have learned to achieve that balance consistently. Collect other stories, poems and quotes that connect to you personally. I usually don’t quote poetry because I don’t get it. I would feel like a fake if all of a sudden I started sprouting off with some profound sonnet speaking of some beautiful flower. It’s not me so I don’t do it. I do love stories about people and short parables and I have built and extensive repertoire of these for my talks.
  5. Get the audience involved. One of the things that I hate in public speakers is when they tell the audience to repeat something that they have said. That’s dumb and I hate being treated as a stupid follower. I like being involved but what to be able to respond to something that has hit home to me. Don’t use dumb contrived interaction gimmicks.

Related Story

How to Speak in Public – Your speech structure

How to clear the decks in your marriage

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Explore unfinished business.

One of the reasons many couples have harmful residue building up over the months of their marriage is that they never come to terms with unfinished business. This business may have to do with unpaid bills, a question of how long the in-laws are staying for Christmas, or whether the kids should be disciplined a certain way. Whatever the issue, mark this down: Every couple has unfinished business. And that business nags at them. It drags them down and drains them of energy.

Every time we have an issue that goes unattended, we increase the pressure and tension in our relationship. So begin your session of ridding yourselves of harmful residue by noting your unfinished business. Talk about whatever it may be, and do your best to make some decisions at this point and gain some closure. To get you started, ask each other: What unfinished business in our relationship is weighing on you most right now?

Talk about your money.

A Reader's Digest survey found the most common lie between spouses is over how much they spent on a purchase. Roughly half, or forty-eight percent, of secretive spouses said they hid the cost of purchases (even in affluent households) within the last month. That was much higher than the two next-most-common secrets, which were over a child's behavior or grades or a failure on the job.

The biggest problem with deceiving your spouse about money is not found in trying to balance the checkbook. No. Money matters are a metaphor for other troubles in a marriage  troubles involving power, security, competence, and self-esteem. That's what makes money so difficult to talk about. And that's why talking about money is vital.

Talk about your emotional needs.

[Talk] to your spouse about your emotional needs. If you are feeling neglected, say so. If you are wanting to be admired, let him or her know. If you don't talk about your emotional needs, it can be nearly impossible for your spouse to meet them. And second, cultivate your relationship with God. Within each of us is a God-shaped void, an emptiness that can only be filled by God. And until we find our connection with God, we will always suffer twinges of disappointment in our marriage. He hears us when we pray.

Talk about your anger.

Anger requires limits and must be talked about routinely. The healthy handling of it begins with admitting you are (or were) angry. Most of us want to deny the presence of anger to control it. But that never works. Repressed anger has a high rate of resurrection. So 'fess up. Own your anger without hiding it or projecting it onto your partner.

Once you have admitted your anger, the next step is to release your vindictiveness do your best to "turn the other cheek" (see Matthew 5:38-48). This practical principle releases revenge and is an insurance policy against resentment. How do you do this? By talking to your partner about how you feel hurt and then surrendering your desire to hurt him or her back. Let your partner know you are letting it go. And if you are inclined, say a prayer that God would protect you both from the reemergence of angry feelings.

Give each other freedom to fail

You and I don't have to be perfect people to have a great marriage. We are all human. We all make mistakes. Because of this very fact, we must give each other the freedom to fail. If you don't, you'll never rid yourselves of harmful residue. And when you are having difficulty letting go of a hurtful mistake by your partner, it is time to consider our next piece of advice on forgiveness.

Forgive when you feel hurt

We do need to forgive each other if for no other reason than because we are married. And no marriage, no matter how good, can survive without forgiveness. We are bound to get hurt. It's inevitable.

In a healthy marriage, two people help one another become better at forgiving by asking for forgiveness, as well as by giving it when needed. "I'm sorry. Will you forgive me?" These simple words offer a possible way out of the inevitable blame game that traps so many couples and they are sure to release you from the harmful residue that would otherwise bog you down.

Update how well you know your spouse

Mrs. Albert Einstein was once asked if she understood her husband's theory of relativity. "No," she said, "but I know how he likes his tea."

Good answer. Knowing simple intimacies about your partner is at the heart of a healthy marriage. And keeping up-to-date on those ever-changing intimacies is a healthy habit loving couples cannot ignore. So in your pursuit to rid yourselves of harmful residue, take a moment to check in with your spouse. What would he or she like you to know? A quick update will keep next month's harmful residue to a minimum. To get you started on this topic, ask each other: What do I need to know about you that I may not know already?

 

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4 Ways to Understand Failure

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One of the true tests of personal development is being able to handle failure. Success is easy you just ride the wave and enjoy the feeling. Failure on the other hand throws up a very different range of emotions. What we do with them is very important and can determine future successes and failures.

Here are some insights into the reality of failure:

  1. To fail is not to be a failure – At least you have tried. Winning is not always being first sometimes it is knowing that you have done your best, tried your hardest and given your all. That is all that we can ever ask of ourselves.

    Failure should be our teacher, not our undertaker. Failure is delay, not defeat. It is a temporary detour, not a dead end. Failure is something we can avoid only by saying nothing, doing nothing, and being nothing.– Denis Waitley

  2. Once you have learned from your failures leave them in the past – The worst mistake is to fail to learn from our failure. Once we have learned the lesson leave the emotion behind and move forward, wiser and stronger to face the future. Failure is not a disgrace, failing to learn demonstrates ignorance and that is a shameful thing. We are designed to grow but to think that we have arrived is a false hope in ourselves that removes us from reality. Life is a process of becoming, a combination of states we have to go through. Where people fail is that they wish to elect a state and remain in it. This is a kind of death – Ananias Nin
  3. You are never a failure as long as you keep trying – In the words of Winston Churchill, “Never give up”, now say it three times. If you aim for nothing that is exactly what you will achieve in life. Don’t expect every idea that you have to be a winner and realise that the mark of creativity is to try and try and try again.
  4. Failure is never final – This is your choice. What are you going to do with your life? Are you just going to play it safe and live as a timid mouse or are you going to discover the true person and learn to accept the adventure that life is.

I have not failed I have just found 10 000 ways that would not work – Thomas Edison

I find my greatest pleasure, and so my reward in the work that precedes what the world calls success – Thomas Edison

Google – What it says about personal growth

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What a bottom line to have? On BBC news:

Last month Google revealed global third quarter profits of $733m (£390m). This was a 92% increase on the $381m it made during the same time last year.

Is this sort of growth possible to sustain? From my humble perspective I would doubt it. But in the meantime it is great for google.

The question is who will be next? Following on from YouTube and other such major acquisitions the value of social networks is growing all the time. They are filling a need in our lives to understand ourselves in the context of community. We all know that just thinking highly of ourselves is of limited value but if someone else values something about us then that can elevate our self worth immensely.

That is why there is so much value in these networks that are forming every day. That is why these large companies are placing so much value on them.

I wonder if they will realise that working with real people will be very different to dealing with a commodity. Remember iVillage of the web 1.0 days. Where are they now? They are still there but they are no longer at the cutting edge of web communications and there is a plethora of startups looking to take the place of some of these ageing sites.

And, a bit of touch up on the outside isn’t really going to cut it. Its the same for our personal development.

  • To really change requires a revolution from within.
  • To find a totally new way of doing things.
  • To move outside a commodity based economy in our souls.
  • To develop a new way of communicating to ourselves and to others.
  • To move from individualism to active community engagement.

Google’s growth says to us that rapid change is possible for us after all many organisations reflect the sort of dynamics of people. How to make it sustainable is the difficulty that I will deal with in the very near future.

In the meatime just like Google if there is growth and change happening and it is positive enjoy the ride, set your sails to maximise it while it last and get ready for the next wave.

The marks of a life of excellence

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  1. The mark of productivity – “A rut is a grave with the ends opened out”. There are some fundamental beliefs that will ensure that a person will live a productive life. These are: a belief in the importance of people as individuals, a belief that those people can add to your creativity, a belief that what others say to you is important to hear and respond to.
  2. The mark of progress – This is the person who seeks to grow. This does not require perfection but simply a desire to learn. If we are not prepared to learn then nothing will ever change in our lives. An excellent life will be distinguished by the growth that is evident in that person.
  3. The mark of power – When you have learned to be comfortable with yourself. Not trying to compete or keep up with those around you the power to live an excellent life is within your grasp. Power is never really given by an assigned position it comes from a belief in something beyond yourself and a confidence in that belief that allows you to orientate your life towards that goal.

Correctly directed ambition is a noble task. The problem is that so many people find their lives filled with tasks that fall short of the standards of excellence. So they let go of their potential and settle for a more mundane existence.

One of the truly great discoveries of a life of excellence is that it is not controlled by our circumstances. It is all to do with the direction of our eyes and the space between our ears. Excellence is a mindset, a belief that you are specially placed in this world to make a difference.

Isaac Stern the great violinist was once asked what truly distinguishes a great musician? He replied, ” A great musician is the one who always seeking to improve, never content with his performances, always moving on to discover more about the instrument and the music that he loves”
That is excellence.

Those wake up moments

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Steve Pavlina as usual has some great insights into the awakening of our consciousness. He suggests that humanity is at the edge of a significant mass awakening.

"One day you're tooling along, working your normal job, living your normal life, and everything seems OK. But something happens that triggers a sudden expansion of your awareness, and for that brief moment of perfect clarity, you know what it's like to be fully awake. You're struck by the terrifying realization that your life has gotten way off course, and that you're really meant to be doing something entirely different."

Discovery of ourselves is one of the greatest journeys that we can take. That awake feeling is cannot be artificially induced by chemicals or by the drug of choice of the middle class, shopping. It must come from within, from our spirits. What an exciting concept to see the possibility of people determing a new course for their lives based on the total awakening to their souls. What a difference such clarity could make for our collective consciousness. The first step of this journey begins with honesty. It will bring to us a mirror that will allows us to see ourselves in such a way that the possibility opens for us to begin that walk.

Positive thinkings power – there’s more to it than just weight loss

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Here is a great list of tips regarding the benefits of the positive thinking. Evidently it really does work. Even if it doesn’t its much better to be positive and reasonably happy than negative and very unhappy.

  • Optimism is a predictor of well-being, mood, physical health, and achievements
  • Positive thinking has been linked to a number of health benefits including enhanced immune functioning, faster recovery from surgery, increased longevity, reduced stress
  • Optimism can help people recover from setbacks during a weight loss program
  • Optimists are more persistent
  • Practicing positive thinking regularly helps to change the neural circuits in the brain, making it easier to think positively and engage in positive behaviors
  • Affirmations are short positive “I” statements that are in present tense – i.e. “I choose healthy foods that nourish my body.”
  • Keep a weekly journal of your achievements to help you stay focused on the positive and keep motivated
  • Connect with others – optimists are more likely to seek social support which can help during a weight management program
  • for more link here

Worth a read and the podcast should be worth a listen.

Relating Web 2.0 to our personal development

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Open up your data as much possible. There is no future in hoarding data, only controlling it.

Learn not to control information but become a conduit for communication. There is no future in relationships where a person uses their personal knowledge as power. So as much as possible be an open book. People will value your transperancy because they will be able to get to know an authentic person. Controlling data is about learning to organise information in such a way that people are able to access it in a meaningful way. Learn to be such a meaningful person in the way that you are able to communicate so that your interaction facilitates further conversation.

 

Aggressively add feedback loops to everything. Pull out the loops that don't seem to matter and emphasize the ones that give results.

Learn to listen and learn to hear what people are saying. Create spaces where people are able to come to you and know that they will be heard.

 

Continuous release cycles. The bigger the release, the more unwieldy it becomes (more dependencies, more planning, more disruption.) Organic growth is the most powerful, adaptive, and resilient.

Learn that people are your strength. Grow with them continually. Create an environment where you are able to grow continually rather than trying to take giant leaps. Organic growth is all about expanding your God given capacity, finding people that complement your abilities and allowing them to take their rightful place in your life.

 

Make your users part of your software. They are your most valuable source of content, feedback, and passion. Start understanding social architecture. Give up non-essential control. Or your users will likely go elsewhere.

 

Recognise the strengths in others and seek to bring out the potential in others at all times. It will come back to you eventually and eventually add to who you are. Recognise that the most valuable part of your life is the people around you.

 

Turn your applications into platforms. An application usually has a single predetermined use, a platform is design to be the foundation of something bigger. Instead of getting a single type of use from your software and data, you might be hundreds or thousands of them.

Learn to integrate rather than control. Controlling personalities are never able to grow beyond their own limitations. Those who are able to see that by bringing others into the adventure will in fact enhance that adventure are able to spread the control to others.

 

Don't create social communities just to have them. They aren't a checklist item. But do empower inspired users to create them.

Be genuine in your relationships with others. There is a difference between those who network as a part of meeting their own agenda. We all know the type because of their lack of genuiness. We tire very quickly in these relationships because they are based on what can be gotten out of it.

Finding purpose in life – connecting beyond ourselves

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Finding an adequate life purpose for many is a lifelong quest. It can create a dull ache that pounds away and results in an endless succession of activities for the seeker. In the end it can leave many of us feeling dissatisfied and disillusioned.

The issue for us is finding a purpose that is big enough to sustain us through life. So a job in a world that no longer holds the promise of lifelong employment is not good enough. A marriage in a world that has a 50% divorce rate is also inadequate. Personal growth in a world that has a 100% death rate also has obvious limitations.

Once you discover and embrace your life purpose, are you set for the rest of your life? Do you keep fulfilling that same purpose until you die? Or can your purpose change over time?

Truthfully I think the answer is a little of both. There is a permanent, unchanging aspect of my purpose, and that aspect is growth. I have an undeniably strong sense that I’m here to grow, and that sense has never wavered. I imagine that conscious growth will always be part of my purpose. (Steve Pavlina)

I think that Steve is right that our life purpose does have different aspects. Although I would think that once we find a purpose big enough it will then remain with us.

What can often happen is that we can confuse roles with life purpose. Once again it may be true for us to include what we do as a part of our life purpose. But this will also leave us shortchanged if we fail to connect to a bigger picture that is beyond ourselves.

Purpose therefore must be connected to our spirituality. To connecting to the wider world and to a broader community and a higher authority. Putting these things in place in our lives will allow us give meaning to those subordinate purposes.

5 Laws for knowledge and success

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  1. Always try to understand before judging. When we judge first we are providing fertile ground for fear, uncertainty and distrust.
  2. Alwyas listen to the whole story. Learn to ask questions before drawing conclusions this allows more time for understanding. Learn to ask good questions these are open questions that allow more information to be heard. Closed questions give you what you want to hear.
  3. Always maintain a high level of integrity. Truth really is a personal issue. People will usually see very quickly whether what you are talking about is something you just say or something that you live by. A personal lived truth is far more trustworthy than a talked about fact.
  4. Be positive. It will influence the sort of people who want to be around you. Negativity can draw a crowd but its always the wrong sort of people if you really want to discover success. Negative people tend to tear down and that may seem like fun for a while but it never lasts. Positive people will seek to build and that allows for increased opportunities.
  5. Learn to work well with other people. This will allow you to grow beyond your own limitations in whatever you do. Working with other people is an acquired skill that requires perserverance because you will be often let down. Resist the temptation to think that I can do it better on my own. It may be true in the short term but success is a long term ambition.

Wisdom is the bringing together of knowledge and action. The wise person is the one who has understood and then applied that understanding to their way of life. Success is seeing the fulfilment of makng wise choices.

Success for the rest of us is all about attaining wisdom. Yesterday in the mail I received a brochure promising financial freedom that would allow me to do the things that I really want to do. Such a narrow definition of success forgets the rest of us who may not neccessarily want to just accumulate financial wealth. Wisdom should overflow into our financial choices but our wealth will be a symptom of a much broader context.

5 Commandments of Respect

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One of the more difficult tasks in leadership is to be able to correct or guide while still maintaining the dignity of the other person. Many leaders make the mistake of believing that their leadership is all about winning an argument or having their point of view predominate. However, this is a very short sighted view of leadership and will ultimate limit a person's level of influence in other's lives.

I am just reading about the breakdown of relationships when Hewlett-Packard merged with Compaq. The CEO of HP struggled to win the hearts and minds of the HP employees and faced a battle on several fronts to ensure the success of the merger.

She failed to gain the respect. But, she could have if she had followed some of the following principles.

1. If I have a problem with another person, I will go to him privately. Engaging in a public humiliation of another human being destroys a person's soul. We were recently at a children's birthday party at a popular fast food restaurant and witnessed one of the poorest displays of management that I have ever seen, The person running the party was not being supported by the other staff causing the party to run late. This employee was berated in front of the children and parents.

The result was that I felt very upset. So upset that I wrote to that restaurant. I felt that what was done to that person was soul destroying and needed to be corrected. I hope that manager was dealt with privately so that he would see more clearly the implications of his actions.

2. If someone has a problem with me, and comes to you, send the person to me. (I'll do the same for you.)

3. Be careful about how you interpret me' Id rather do that. Don't try to read things that aren't there in me. I have the right to be able to process my own thoughts without someone putting the implications of their thoughts on me. The reverse is true, I need to be careful how I interpret other people's response to me. Discovering that everything isn't always about me is one of the hardest things to live with but it allows me to be able to hear what you are really saying.

4. If it's confidential, I won't tell. (Unless someone is harming himself or someone else.) I need to be seen as a safe person if people are to give me their trust. This means that they must know that I don't have the need to tell what I know about them. Although someone may choose to disclose information to me it remains their right to disclose and not my right to disclose that to other people.

5. I will not manipulate; I will not be manipulated. I will choose to be honest and live with integrity. This will discourage any person who tries to manipulate me into living in a way that caused me to live with a contradiction within myself. (source unsure of highlighted items)

Integrity and Vision a brief Introduction

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\·Integrity

An important function of leadership is to be a role model in one's influence of others. Perfection is not expected but leaders are required to demonstrate a depth of character and commitment to the values and mission of the organization if they are to effectively influence others to take this same path. Covey describes the trend that developed during last century of management following a personality cult. Whereas in the one hundred and fifty years previously the focus was on one's integrity, character, trustworthiness what emerged was a series of glib mottos. People were expected to follow one's personality and public image that is lubricated through the use of slogans and behavioural manipulation techniques.

Vision

Proverbs 29:18 Where there is no vision the people perish'.

A prime leadership skill will be to envision some desired future state of being, and to inspire others to understand and share that vision (Leadership as Vision, Morden, T.). Effective leadership is able to focus on the big picture issues and see the long term implications of decisions that are made in the present.

To survive in the current world of rapidly changing social structures, technological innovation and the forces of globalization requires the organization to see beyond the current restrictions faced by their members. It will be those groups that identify and provide for the needs of people that will thrive in the future. Those who expect people to come to them and because of past reputations will quickly fade away in the face or rapidly changing needs.

Financial Freedom – How to really find it

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Almost every self help book begins with setting goals to the point where it almost becomes a clich. This is not intended to be a self help post but an aid to finding freedom particularly in our finances. However an interesting byproduct of financial freedom is the discovery of many other new freedoms in your life.

A number of years ago I worked and lived with several heroin addicts. These people were at a stage where they wanted to change. They were fed up with a meaningless and aimless life in which they would probably die. What I discovered was that the addictions were not their real problem. Usually there was some part of their lives that they had found so unsatisfying that an escape into drugs seemed to be their only option. Once they were addicted they were totally committed to that habit. Their lives revolved around the next fix or how they were going to get the next lot of drugs. To change required replacing that passion with something new. That change to be effective needed to be totally life encompassing. It meant removing themselves from that environment and replacing it with a new one that gave them the freedom to be themselves without the aid of drugs.

In many ways that is what we need to do if we are to find financial freedom. Our lives need to be ruled by some new order. We need to replace hopelessness with hope.

Tim Costello quotes Ivan Illich an advocate of the poor in South America. He was asked what the most powerful way to change a society. Illich response was this,

     Neither revolution nor reformation can ultimately change a society. Rather you must tell a new and powerful tale, one so pervasive that it sweeps away the old myths and becomes the preferred story, one so inclusive that it gathers all the bits from the past and our present into a coherent whole, one that even shines some light into the future so that we can take the next step forward.

I believe this is also true for us as individuals. We need to gather our lives so far into a coherent whole and then begin to create a new story for our lives. Once we begin this process we can then begin to make progress.

Viktor Frankl a psychologist was imprisoned in a German concentration camp during the second world war. During this time he had the chance to observe human behaviour set in the most awful of conditions. He observed that when faced with the same conditions that people responded in different ways. Some were able to rise above their circumstances and others were enveloped by them and gave up in despair. He also observed that even in a concentration camp there were those who were happy.

He concluded from this experience that:

    Happiness is never achieved as an end in itself. It is always a by product of either: giving yourself to a higher cause or giving yourself to another in love.

Setting Goals

  1. Talk to others about their ideas to gain inspiration
  2. Create an environment regularly for reflection. For example keep a journal, take a regular walk or bike ride, read books, sit without watching TV or listening to the radio or watching a movie
  3. Set out what do you want to achieve.
  4. What is essential. These are your short term goals (Pay bills, holiday)
  5. What you would like to achieve in the future. These are your medium to long term goals ( a better job, retire at 50, buy my own business)
  6. Map an achievable plan to achieve your goals (How much you need to earn, study, business plan etc.)
  7. Do it!! Don't put your plans off any longer start implementing your plans because this is the only way that they will happen.

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Life really does begin at forty

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Four basic human needs

To live, to learn, to love, to leave a legacy

Life isn't over yet

In the movie Wall Street Gordon Gecko is played by Michael Douglas. He is a cunning unprincipled multi-millionaire corporate raider. One day he speaks to a meeting of spellbound shareholders who are worried about a takeover bid. He declares,

ladies and gentlemen, greed for the lack of a better word is good. Greed is right. Greed works. Greed clarifies, cuts through and captures the essence of the evolutionary spirit. Greed in all its forms  greed for life, for money, for love, for knowledge  has marked the upward surge of mankind

Later in the film, Gordon's friend Bud asks,Tell me, Gordon where does it all end? how many yachts can you water-ski behind? How much is enough? Thoreau the philosopher said that most men lead lives of quiet desperation. In my conversations with my peers I hear this desperation expressed often. They suspect that the endless accumulation of things isn't quite enough. And as we rapidly approach middle age there is a sense of unease that perhaps we won't quite measure up. That we have missed the main thing and that our chances to get it right are rapidly passing us by.

 

I recently was talking to a friend who was expressing his dissatisfaction with life. In his mid forties he is moderately successful in business. He has a small business that he runs very efficiently, he has a loving wife, his family are rapidly growing the eldest two successful in their chosen fields and the younger three progressing well in their schools. In most ways his life looks together yet he constantly says,There must be something more?

What's wrong with Steve? He feels that he should be earning more. He feels that his business should be bigger. That he should be driving a better car. Life hasn't fulfilled the promise that it seemed to have in his twenties and thirties. He says that even beyond the financial side there is this unease that keeps gnawing at him and he's not quite sure what to do about it.

His disquiet strikes a cord in me although it is not quite as fully developed. I too feel a growing sense of urgency within myself. I am nearly forty. I still don't have a full time job. I am nust about to change jobs at the age of 43 and am not always sure if my qualifications will secure employment. I have four  children aged six and under, this means that I will be sixty by the time that they might even think about leaving home. A friend told me that he never really started getting ahead financially until his kids had left home. That comment made me feel slightly sick in the stomach and I felt that sense of urgency once again. I will be left with approximately five years to save for my retirement which will not be nearly enough to save the $500 000 dollars or so that I will need to retire on.

Life has changed! I am no longer the care free adventurous young person I once was. I ask myself:

  • What happened, who am I, where am I going?
  • Have I wasted the first 25 years of my working life?
  • Should I panic because we don't own our own home?
  • Is it too late at 43 to find financial freedom?

Mark Levinson a psychologist says that for most people reaching forty there is some crisis. It is not hormonal or biological but it It is defined as a nothing period in our life where we are juxtaposed between the vitality of youth and the . Youth is seen as a time of vitality, daring, growth etc. old age is seen as a time of withering

Maybe I am asking the wrong questions? Tony Robbins in his book Awakening the Giant Within You says that we can change how we feel about our circumstances simply by changing our focus. By changing the focus of our questions we can change our perspective on our problems.

Stephen Covey in First Things First first chapter asks, How many people on their death bed wish they'd spent more time at the office? In this chapter he describes the tension that most of us feel between what we want to do and our responsibilities. I feel certain responsibilities as a Father, as a husband and as a member of society to contribute in worthwhile ways. Sometimes I feel that life is more about survival than the fulfillment of some of the things that I consider more worthwhile.

 

This dilemma was reflected in a recent conversation with a friend of mine said he was too busy at work. His weekly routine meant being there for up to 90 hours a week trying to keep things going at work. I said to him, but don't most people spend at least 90 hours a week doing something? Most of us sleep for around 42 to fifty hours a week and the rest of it we are doing some activity or the other.

I went on, What I think you're saying is that you are not happy with the way that your spending your time.

My friend's dilemma demonstrated to me the way many people perceive the way that they spend time. A lot of people think that each week they are not spending enough time doing what they really want to do. Locked in a vicious cycle of meeting financial commitments to maintain a certain standard of living life becomes a drudgery of working to maintain and gain things that are ultimately viewed as not having much value. Or we have no boundaries that divide ourselves from our work therefore work overtakes who we are. We find that we can't so no to new demands on our time or finances because we always say yes. Our attitude to retirement further reflects this tension we feel. Retirement becomes the opportunity to do the things that they want to do when freed from the tyranny of having to work. It is disappointing that we have to wait to the end of our life before we believe that we can start doing this.

In an American study of people over the age of 90 they were asked what three things they would change if they could have their lives over? The following three statements came up most often:

  • They'd reflect more  That is they would take more opportunities to step out the daily grind to thoughtfully examine the meaning and purpose of their lives. In doing this they would ensure that their energy was expended on worthwhile pursuits.
  • They'd risk more Given their choice these elderly people would have taken more opportunities to step out of their comfort zone. They would take risks to explore more of what life offers and not accept that life was a rut.
  • They'd invest more in things that will outlast themselves –

Jack Nicholoson in the movie as good as it get plays an obsessive compulsive man who lives to have everything in order. His neighbour's intrusions aggravate him. He gets so frustrated that he bursts into his psychiatrists waiting room and says to the group, Maybe this is as good as it gets.

Maybe there is an element of truth in that statement. There are some things that we can't change. More than likely I will turn 40 in a few months time. I won't be able to do some of the things that I used to do in my 20's and 30's. I probably won't become a millionaire by the time that I'm 45. I will have to support a wife and four children for at least the next 20 years.

What I can do is change my attitude to these things. The questions that I have been asking are from the wrong perspective. They encourage a negative perspective on my future, my ability to earn an income, the reasons why I earn and income and my attitude to work.

Rather than wondering how my life is half over I should be celebrating the experiences I have had so far. Instead of thinking that opportunities might be limited I can begin to embrace the future. My working life is half over but I can begin to capitalize on the experience that I have gained over the past 25 years of work. Financial freedom may not be found in having a better paying job or winning a million dollars but in changing my attitude to money.

Questions to ask of myself

  • Write down five of the most significant questions that I have at the moment?
  • Are they empowering questions or do they reflect confusion about what is important?
  • How can you turn these questions around?
  • Try rephrasing some of these to approach them positively?

At forty life isn't over yet. I sometimes think that my working life is nearly over. Yet logically I have another 25 years or more to constructively contribute and earn an income. There is still a future. We have to take control of that future and begin to shape it in a way that allows us to discover freedom.

Leadership – it begins in the home

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I think the ultimate test of the efffectiveness of a leader is what happens in their home. What are their kids like – healthy, dysfunctional, drug addict, corporate leader, artist, confident. Too many leaders have left in their wake so much pain and hurt among those closest to them that it has diminished their star. This is especially true if we take the definition of leadership as the ability to influence others. If we cant influence those closest to us positively then whatever else we do will count for little. For example the late Kerry Packer's relationship with his family. From an outsider's perspective there is no mistaking the genuine love that his children had for him. From all accounts Kerry could be a very difficult man but in my mind he passed the ultimate test of leading first at home. I want to be a great man. When I was younger I thought of greatness in terms of the empire that I would create and the size of the my bank balance but time has mellowed some of that ambition. Now my primary quest for greatness is in the eyes of the five people that I live with. They see me for what I really am, they know my faults and weaknesses and sensitivities yet they are so forgiving Here are some choices that I must make if I am to be an effective leader in my home: Choose words that build up – Words are such powerful tools. We need to choose our words very wisely if we want to be an effective leader at home. It is very easy to let slip words that tear down when I feel stressed or tired or even selfish when everyone wants to invade my space. I need to choose words that say good things to those around me – I love you, sorry, can I help, you look lovely, you are very special, thank you, that's great, how wonderful. Choose to spend my time doing the important things – Even if I say that the kids are important if I don't spend my time with my family and kids then my words count for very little. Its what we do that counts in their eyes. And, they are the ones who get to really see what I am doing with my time. The important things in my life at the moment are being home so I can help bath the kids, read with my eldest daughter, pray before they go to sleep, wrestle with my son and sitting with everyone at the dinner table. Choose to love unconditionally – This means giving when I am not receiving. Washing up when everyone else is too tired at the end of a hard day. Not making my needs the first priority in the family. Choose to make the hard decisions – But do it in a way that makes the family feel better. We can't always do everything that we would like to do or we sometimes have to choose between two very good options. Sometimes I can't be everyone's friend. In these situations its important not to be a friend but a father. Choose to listen instead of talking – It can be very easy to think that it is only my perspective that matters. Communication is always more about what I don't say or what I do when I stop talking.

Making money – Perspective

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In 1923 a group of the world's most successful financiers met at a Chicago hotel. Present were:

  • The president of the largest independent steel company.
  • The president of the largest utility
  • The greatest wheat speculator
  • The president of the New York Stock Exchange.
  • A member of the President's cabinet.
  • The president of the Bank of International Settlements.
  • The head of the world's greatest monopoly.

Collectively these tycoons controlled more wealth than there was in the United States Treasury, and for years the newspapers had been printing their success stories and urging the youth of the nation to follow their example. Twenty five years later, lets see what happened to them.

  • The president of the largest independent steel company -Charles Schwab- lived on borrowed money the last five years of his life, and died penniless.
  • The greatest wheat speculator – Arthur Cutten died abroad in poverty.
  • The president of the New York Stock Exchange – Richard Whitney- was in prison.
  • The member of the President's cabinet – Albert Fall- was pardoned from prison so he could die at home.
  • The president of the Bank of International Settlements -Leon Fraser – committed suicide.
  • The head of the worlds greatest monopoly – Ivan Krueger- committed suicide.

All of these men had learned how to make money, but not one of them had learned how to live.

Steve Jobs – Lessons from iCon

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As I have mentioned the book is a fascinating read and give a great deal of insight into the character of this man. As I read it I discovered some of what I would like to do and also what I would like not to do. Without a doubt time has mellowed him and his family has had an enormous impact on some of the more abrasive edges of him.

  1. Be focussed – Steve Jobs is an incredibly focussed man. He is not afraid to put his head on the line for what he believes in. In several biographies that I have read recently this is a quality that has stood out to me.
  2. Be honest – One story about the way he treated his early partner Woz did not sit well with me at all. There is no need for dishonesty. And even though the sum was only a small amount it did a great deal of damage for their relationship. I would also disagree with some of his business ethics. To me my word is my bond and it is not to be changed lightly. Steve appears to be able to see situations from only one perspective his own and therefore in a number of the situations described demonstrated a lack of integrity.
  3. Take risks – Several times he put it all on the line. He was prepared to live by his convictions. Sometimes it is hard to leave the safe cocoon of a secure job. But, I would like to think that I could also take the challenge of risking all for the sake of what I believe in.
  4. Family is important – He says that this is the one thing that changed him the most. I would have to agree. I have discovered in my kids a whole world that nothing else I can do compares to. This really is the one area that I don’t want to fail in.

iCon is a fascinating read about the life of an extraordinary man. Even though it describes his failings and personal shortcomings I didn’t feel that it was done in a detrimental way. Steve Jobs is after all a human being who has been a part of several extraordinary stories in his business life. He has failed but then he has risen above his failures to go onto bigger and better things.

Recent Interview with Woz from Guy Kawasaki 

Leadership insights from the Tao of Leadership

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The Tao of Leadership

Leaders should not seek power or status; people will not then crave power or status. If scarce goods are not valued highly, people will have no need to steal them. If there is nothing available to arouse passion, people will remain content and satisfied. The truly wise do lead by instilling humility and open-mindedness, by providing for fair livelihoods, by discouraging personal ambition, by strengthening the bone-structure of the people. The wise avoid evil and radical reform; thus the foolish do not obstruct them. They work serenely, with inner quiet. he best leaders, the people do not notice. The next best, the people honor and praise. The next, the people fear; and the next, the people hate. If you have no faith, people will have no faith in you, and you must resort to oaths. When the best leader's work is done the people say: We did it ourselves!