Chris Gribble

Be yourself - Everyone else is taken (Oscar Wilde)

Five benefits of checking email once a day

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My name is Chris and I am an email addict. I confess that I may relapse at any moment. But, for now I have my email habit under control.

Slowly I have been reducing my dependence until just recently I took control and decided to check my email once each day at 3.00 pm in the afternoon. At that time I deal with everything that needs to be dealt with from what I have received in the past twenty four hours.

The good news is my world hasn’t fallen apart. Even better news is that I am finding some tangible benefits in limiting my access to this important part of our modern communication.

Below is a list of five benefits that I have noticed since getting my email habit under control:

1. I spend more time on focussed activities.

One of the key issues about feeding my addiction was that it needed gratification several times an hour. My life was consumed by clicking from whatever I was doing to seeing what had arrived in my inbox. At one point I was receiving at least 60 emails an hour. The constant alert of a new arrival left me in a state of permanent distraction.

Focus is all about maintaining a sustained effort. This was not possible in my constant state of distraction. The result was that my productivity was at an all time low. Even though I was engaged in activity the whole time rarely was it actually getting the jobs done that needed to get done.

Nowadays I can sit down and write a 2000 word post in one sitting. I don’t find my attention wandering back to the inbox because I know that can wait till 3.00 pm this afternoon. This type of focus is required for some of the larger tasks that I need to attend to.

2. I no longer need instant gratification of opening the next email.

My system went into withdrawal for a period of time. I remember the empty feeling after I first shut off notifications on my mobile phone. This was the complete turning off not just putting things on silent. I think that quite mode’s vibration even more torture because you know something has arrived but you have to wait till you can check without being noticed. The instant gratification is delayed.

I am discovering that I am able to wait and appreciate the reward that comes from consistently applying myself in extended bursts. What is emerging is far more gratifying than the quick injection of dopamine that my body had become used to. According to Psychology.org the desire for instant gratification comes from a desire for dopamine. Researcher Kent Berridge writes,

“These two systems, the “wanting” (dopamine) and the “liking” (opioid) are complementary. The wanting system propels you to action and the liking system makes you feel satisfied and therefore pause your seeking. If your seeking isn’t turned off at least for a little while, then you start to run in an endless loop. The dopamine system is stronger than the opioid system. You tend to seek more than you are satisfied. Evolution again — seeking is more likely to keep you alive than sitting around in a satisfied stupor.”

I was a victim to an endless search for those chemicals that I find most gratifying. I have learned to replace these short term bursts of pleasure with the satisfaction of committing to a task and seeing it to completion.

3. I can take time out without being anxious

Weekends are mine again. I can take time out to refresh and relax. Usually when the time comes to return to work I am able to do this enthusiastically. I think that this is because my creative store is replenished and waiting to do something.

A settled restlessness

A tightening surge rises from within,
Uncertainty, fearfully, remembering,
Breaks the imagined calm,
Too much, too fast, too soon,
Restlessness breaks in on every task.

Serenity is imagined from my soul’s mind,
Hopefully, trusting, relearning,
Reality is almost in sight,
Rest, slow down, wait,
A settling transforms whatever comes today.

I wrote this poem as I was considering my anxious state that drove me to an incessant email checking. Rest is such a welcome friend but it required a more settled approach to my life. I needed to accept whatever came that day and learn again how to prioritise. In my anxiousness everything felt urgent and important. This became overwhelming to the point of damaging my health.

Each day I know how my day will start. I am a morning person so I don’t want to waste my creative energy answering email. Nowadays I dedicate that most productive time to doing my most creative work. Rather than being anxious I tend to look forward to the tasks that lay ahead for me on any day.

4. I sleep better at night

One of the things that I used to dread was going to bed because of the anticipation of a mass of emails to wade through the next morning. Often I would be checking emails till late at night to try to cut down on the number of emails that would await me in the morning.

Going to sleep is now a welcome part of my daily rhythm. I am thankful that I will wake rested to a new day that has new possibilities ahead. The half settled sleep of worry that I used to have when I went to sleep concerned about what message may arrive during the night is becoming a distant memory. If I do wake I no longer check what’s come in on my mobile phone hoping that my wife doesn’t catch me in the act.

5. I am not constantly distracted.

I was constantly distracted by my inflow of emails. A side effect was that I found it very difficult to delete anything in case it may be important sometime in the future. What happened was that with too much information coming to me I had no time to develop a filter to know what was important and what could be discarded. This overload of information left me constantly distracted.

Our obsession with what may be contained in the latest email that we receive is an indulgence that we can’t afford. Our minds are becoming bloated with information. The fear that something important may be missed is rarely realised.

Alain de Botton says that we need to have periods of fasting from all of this is we are ever going to be able to concentrate. My email checking routine allows space from the self imposed expectation of needing to respond instantly to something that more often than not can wait.

Three key strategies that helped me:

  1. I turned off notifications on the mobile phone – That constant ping that tells you something has arrived is not a part of my life. My advice is to not even play with the idea that you can get away with silent so no one knows about your addiction. This is only fooling yourself.
  2. I started by unplugging for a weekend – It’s always good to start with small victories. The weekend is a good starting point to begin disciplining a chronic email habit.
  3. I ruthlessly unsubscribe – Companies are constantly trying to get email addresses so that they can get their email message to you. Sometimes you need to supply your email address but the law is they need to have an unsubscribe function. Use it ruthlessly. They rarely will have information you need in a mass email. If you do need information you can always go back to that company’s website. I used to get close to 100 emails a day. Now I can get less than 20 emails for the whole day. Unsubscribe!

A reflection on Psalm 119: 1-40

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My heart is an open book to God,
He can see my faithfulness
And, where I have strayed from truth,
Each day I seek God’s desire for me,
So I can know what is good and true,
I see His faithfulness returned to me,
Over and over as each moment unfolds,
I know what love looks like,
When I see God’s hand in everything.

Love brings with it responsibility,
Longing to be faithful to God’s beauty,
Wholehearted love that given unselfishly,
Delighting in new discoveries every day,
Learning your love words spoken to me,
So that I can repeat them back to you,
Purity is what I have found,
In each expression of love,
That is remembered from each day.

I know the pain of forgetting about love,
It took me to my deepest sadness,
Where love was rejected for destruction,
Caught in a web of lies that sought my death,
Obedience brought me back to life,
Revived to begin living once more,
Joy discovered in trusting God,
Laugher was found in love’s embrace,
Selfish desire replaced by Grace’s giving.

Psalm 210 – My daily calling

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Each morning awakens to activity,
Everywhere I look busyness abounds,
I hear my name called loud and clear,
To the tasks that await me for today,
Each detail of what lies ahead,
Expresses the love of a God who is here.

He tells me there is a kinder way,
That sees people’s hearts,
And loves how they are made,
Each day as I learn to understand,
In what I do to see God’s hand,
I wait to find the love that’s in all,
My most important task of the day,
Hearing my God and obeying his call.

Psalm 209 – Open to opportunity

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Wounding words repeat their funeral dirge,
Saying my life is worthless to grander plans,
Stories abound that seek to disguise,
The sounds of hate resounding,
A continual drone of death words,
Seeking only to open the gaping wounds,
Brought by despair’s lashing remarks,
Missing the beauty that always resides,
In each of creation’s opportunities,
That belongs to everyone’s humanity.

Opportunity is passed by in the rush,
Discarded in each drowning cry,
Each sound heard by deaf ears that don’t listen,
Not recognising the gift given in hope of love,
Opportunity closed by hate’s blindness.

Then in the midst of my deepest despair,
Opened a path that always was there,
God looks at a the wounds born from hate,
And sees the way that leads to hope,
That place that listens to my sad song,
And, tells me child it’s here you belong,
From this safe place I can begin to listen,
To the words of potential that lives in me,
Instead of death I can believe in opportunity.

Psalm 208 – The blessing of being called

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Out of the deepest expression of care.
Work was born with a beautiful idea,
That saw me and knew my name,
Calling me to the life of a king,
Centred in the plans of Eternity,
Sure that each step that I take,
Was planned by perfect love,
Knowing that nothing is left to chance,
I begin each day sure of his Grace.

Each day is a door that opens to hope,
Where my inheritance is given,
Freely to those who understand,
The love that called me to this small task,
That faithfully serves Love’s soft whisper,
His voice promising peace to all,
In the midst of the loud clamour,
Of the thousand empty words spoken.

Uncertainty is banished from my effort,
The words that seek to destroy,
The trust that was given,
Selfishness can never give of itself,
He has forgotten my name,
And seeks only for himself,
All is replaced by knowing my call,
Born from the pain of forgetting,
But, then hearing a clear call,
That speaks daily as my work begins,
His beautiful call that says I belong.

Psalm 207 – Seeing beyond the daily grind

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Each day is a fleeting marker,
As days are transformed into years,
Heart and soul are wearied,
By the incessant call for more,
Rejected by a heart never satisfied,
It’s served faithfully but can’t be pleased,
Each day is the fruitless effort,
Of a daily quest that is never enough.

Belonging becomes a violent wrenching,
Of tearing my heart from love’s calling,
I turn up each day but passion dims,
When loyalty is repaid by greed,
This is the slow pulling apart,
By the pinpricks of selfish ambition,
Given by a thousand jabs each day,
The slow death of words that demean.

Today I begin by looking up,
To the reason why work began,
Instead of saying not good enough,
A child’s best efforts are blessed,
No longer just a brick in the wall,
My soul in God’s hands to safekeep,
The daily rhythm of work turned to blessing,
My heart’s effort transformed by Love’s clear voice,
That sees beyond the daily grind,
And seeks what lies in store for eternity.

Re-imagining heroism – A post for those who don’t always feel brave

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Definition of Coward

“one who shows disgraceful fear or timidity”

Our family recently climbed a mountain that is close to our home. It’s not Everest but it does require a bit of climbing up some of the rock faces. The level of difficulty would be classed as very easy but it is a reasonable climb with a magnificent view at the end.

My eldest son doesn’t like heights. From some people’s perspective it might seem that his fear is unreasonable and irrational because sometimes it’s quite limiting for him. This last time as we climbed this mountain I watched him carefully at one point as we climbed up one of the rock faces. I could see his fear and uncertainty as he took each cautious step forward.

When we got to the top I could see his visible relief that he had made it. I made sure we had the time for a quiet moment together and I told him how proud I was that he had made it. My observation was that he didn’t allow his fear to stop him from doing what needed to be done. His fear was real and palpable yet he didn’t allow it to stop him from climbing that mountain.

Fear is a part of everyone’s life. Unreasonable fear can create all sorts of anxiety that if left unchecked can leave us paralysed. I love the words from one of Jesus’ sermons that spoke words of comfort for those who are seeking courage and comfort.” How happy are those who know sorrow.” This is the person who has pushed this world to its limits and recognised its disappointments. The paradox of our humanity is expressed in the contrast between happy and sorrow. Normally you wouldn’t expect them to be in the same sentence.

“How happy are those who know what sorrow means for they will be given courage and comfort! “
J B Phillips

Happiness comes when the limitations of our world are owned honestly, and we understand that relationships will fall short of expectations, material benefits can come and go and prestige can be a fleeting experience. When this is realised and we become vulnerable we are prepared to face our real fears, the ones that will take us to our source.

For many people this is the step that they don’t want to take. As David Whyte says in his poem, “Start Close In”, this is the first step, the step that we don’t want to take. I wrote give me the coward to seek to distinguish from the self declared hero to the person that has recognised his fears, and knows that he is the coward. From this recognition comes the capacity to demonstrate courage in the face of adversity.

The passage from Matthew’s gospel that I quoted earlier is alluding to those people who have started close in, they will know their sorrow, but then out of their sorrow those people get the truest idea of what love looks like. In my poem it’s not the hero who really knows love, they are caught up in their heroic deeds and are forgetful of courage’s testing by love.

In, “Give me the coward”, I chose the word coward because it’s that person who knows the unreasonableness of who they are and feel the deep pain of the tragic gap of who we desire to be and what we know we are. That person is the one that has learned the deep sorrow that comes from life and all of its disappointments. They have felt the fear that comes from when their world spins totally out of control. But, this is the persona who will know happiness. Courage emerges from facing their sorrows and responding in love and kindness. The coward has the more opportunity to be a hero than the person trapped in a self declared sense of grandeur.

Give me the coward

The measure of a man is not in his grandest thoughts,
The self deluded picture of a courageous act,
Reality brings all actions together,
Truth explores love’s result
Courage sifted by love,
Nothing left,
Coward.

Give me the coward who can sob about his weakness,
Who knows there are other things to cry about,
He can gaze into the weariness of sadness,
Eyes feeling the glare of judgement,
The delusions of control,
Knowing lies,
Hero.

The best human stories are redemptive stories. They are the one’s where our biggest failures are transformed into a redeeming triumph. These are the heart stories that we yearn for because such stories provide all of us with hope. Give me the coward sought to be such a story. It seeks to explore the nature of true courage and develop a deeper understanding of each person’s possibility for redemption.

Four signs that indicate you are emerging from burnout

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1. Creativity re-emerges

Truth’s daily task

Truth is not clinging to a failed understanding,
Truth is the soul’s daily work,
The creative heart work of the true human.

Another line in this poem that I wrote was that “truth lived brings laughter and tears”. When in the midst of my burnout there wasn’t much laughter, tears were the more common expression of my state of being. Creativity requires both to be present in our life. The unhealthy imbalance was very evident in my daily lament about my lack of value to anyone.

James Altucher in his book, “Choose Yourself” recommends that we write down ten ideas a day. I would normally say such a task is too easy but my idea well was completely dry during this time.

Creativity re-emerging showed itself in a growing confidence to try something new. Each day as I took the next faltering step forward I was able to move to a new understanding of myself as a person. The old ways of seeing myself were lost in a finding of a new truth that touched the very core of my soul.

Psalm 85

When love and faithfulness collided with my life,
The sparks shot to the heavens,
The light shower showed me the way forward,
The paralysis of despair healed completely…

I used the word paralysis to refer to the despairing state that I found myself in during my experience of burnout. The discovery of those who could meet me with love and faithfulness in the moments of darkness encouraged the smallest sparks of creativity that they saw in me and this allowed light to emerge on the next step forward. Being able to work creatively and to then have the confidence to share my work with a community that expressed love and faithfulness was a very clear sign that I was beginning to rediscover a balance in my life.

2. Sleep refreshes

One of the clearest indicators of my state of being when in the midst of burnout was a poor sleep rhythm. Even when I did sleep it never felt like I woke refreshed. There were times when I questioned if I would ever have a proper night’s sleep again. I felt like I lived in a state of perpetual tiredness. Being able to have a good night’s sleep was a welcome relief that was a clear indicator that something was beginning to shift in me.

A reflection on Psalm 112

My heart’s deepest gladness has been found,
Living in the centre of God’s intention,
I sleep peacefully each night,
I dream of hope and belonging…

For me the tiredness hung around for a long time. I am normally a quite active person who approaches life with enthusiasm. My preferred rhythm is to wake early and it’s in that time that I can be quite creative. When I continually was waking up feeling tired there was little creativity left in me.

As I emerged from my continual tiredness I started looking forward to the mornings again. As creativity emerged I began looking forward to waking up so that I could engage in the creative activity of my work. Sleep was welcomed because it was a restful sleep that came from resolving some of the tension that I felt had emerged in understanding my sense of vocation and my response to that call.

3. It doesn’t have to be about me

At the height of my burnout my conversation centred around me. Sometimes when I was saying the words about me I felt tired of hearing myself talk. Some good friends stayed with me during this period and continued to listen and I am thankful that they were able to do this.

A reflection on Psalm 104

Like a lost friend who is brought close,
Creation continually welcomes me with a huge hug,
I am safe again in his presence,
His Voice the centre of my conversations….

One of my burnout symptoms was a complete retreat into myself. This was very difficult with a wife and four children who were very used to me be very present in our family life. I still managed to be very self focussed in my world of perpetual distraction. Even when I was with them I was never really there. I would be looking at them but thinking about a thousand things that could be going wrong, what I needed to do yet in that day, what mistakes I had made that day and a constant self talk of failure. There wasn’t much room in my head to fit anyone else.

My centre had become all about me and this was creating fatal wounds in my life. Learning to discover other important voices that spoke into my life helped me to re-find my centre. I loved the growing sense of belonging that brought with it a healing voice into my life. The words that emerged brought a new understanding of my own voice that could transcend my immediate problems.

4. Confidence returns

So many of us let others determine what we are worth. It’s our duty to make that determination ourselves.”
Jonathan Goldsmith

Dr Travis Bradberry in article in Forbes Magazine recently that quoted research from the University of California in San Francisco that showed the more difficulty you have saying no, the more likely you are to experience stress, burnout, and even depression. He also says that before we say “no” we need to have worked out what we are saying yes to.

Writing Psalm 203 was about me re-finding my centre in work by first learning to say yes to God.

My first word today is to say, “No”,
To a thousand different questions,
That seek to bring complexity,
To what is the simple choice,
Of first saying yes to God.

Being able to say no to someone means that there is something bigger at play in life. I have learned once again to find a bigger purpose in my life than some of the more material goals that dominated my life during my period of burnout. This gives more confidence to be able to make choices and to then live with those choices.

I notice myself saying no more and more lately. Sometimes saying no is often about choosing between good and best, this choice can be difficult especially when the creative juices are flowing and there are so many options to explore. But, saying no helps focus creativity and beds it into more fertile soil that is ultimately more productive.

No can sometimes bring with it some immediate pain but this is sometimes better than the dull ache of a half hearted yes. No, changes the terms of of a relationship because it makes the reality or impossibility of a situation clearer. Burnout can feel like living in a fog but with finding the capacity to say no confidently the fog recedes to give a clearer picture of reality.

Psalm 206 – Discovering the golden thread

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The days rushing by in short hours,
With a relentless pace of things to be done,
With barely time to think of grander things,
The golden thread lost in the maddened din,
The constant noise and lists and screens.
What should be remembered is quickly forgot.

Today I slowed my world’s activity,
Achieving reduced to one kind act,
That will set the whole world right,
Despite my life’s efforts to hurry on,
I paused to weave a thread of hope,
That draws to me to know I belong.

The golden thread weaves through my life,
Bringing together desire and reality,
Binding that tragic gap of unknown,
To bring me to a clearer certainty,
Of accepting what is here and now,
And, then to know what is certain to come.

Give me the coward

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The measure of a man is not in his grandest thoughts,
The self deluded picture of a courageous act,
Reality brings all actions together,
Truth explores love’s result
Courage sifted by love,
Nothing left,
Coward.

Give me the coward who can sob about his weakness,
Who knows there are other things to cry about,
He can gaze into the weariness of sadness,
Eyes that know the glare of judgement,
The delusions of control,
Knowing these lies,
Hero.

Five Psalms For the Work Week

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David Whyte in his poem “What to remember when waking”, writes, “What you can plan is too small for you.”

I came to this series of Psalms holding the idea that what I plan may not be big enough as I sought to discover some new thoughts about the beauty of work. These first five Psalms had themes that sought to reveal that golden thread that lies in the ordinary, everyday worklife that we contribute to.

As I was writing these first five Psalms I was seeking to discover something of the “other”, because I think without the appreciation of what lies beyond my understanding there is little that we can do to know how our work is good, bad or indifferent. Without this external reference it degenerates into a twisted madness of unrequited effort that makes turning up each day to a job a fruitless quest for meaning in which we will be unable to find any sanity.

One of poetry’s gifts is that it doesn’t “tell” us what to think. It allows us to explore. In this series I have loved exploring my own understanding of creativity. I loved playing with ideas like God giving me a nod of approval and that my creativity is birthed from shared experience with God. These are threads that have run through my life and in more recent times have become more visible to me.

Much of the world’s true beauty is what has emerged from shadow. I have seen that my appreciation of beginning the day celebrating God’s gifts, or sleeping well each night come out of times when I didn’t wake up celebrating and I didn’t sleep so well at night. In these Psalms I have not dwelt on the shadows, I look forward with the original Psalmists for the day that it’s all set right. When my work and productiveness is always held in a beautiful tension with love and creativity.

Writing these psalms has helped me to peel back a few layers around the idea of work. As I have done so some fresh understandings have emerged for me that help me in my desire to make work an continuation of my connection to God. There is art and joy and playfulness that God designed as a part of work. Sometimes there will be other things that will seek to suffocate this light. Psalms are all about asking God to set it right and to make sure that the direction of my desire is towards that inner truth that is God’s gift to his creation.

Psalm 201 – The Gift of Work

My day begins celebrating God’s gifts,
He loves the way that I was formed,
I hear his daily nod of approval,
When my plans begin with prayer,
Listening to his desires,
Work becomes my daily offering,
Of creation’s gift of creativity.

Shared with my creator’s image,
Is the gift of my daily effort,
Creator’s gifts discovering human heart,
Transforming routine drudgery,
To daily moments of pleasure,
That seek the best of life’s fullness,
My craft found in my Creator,
As together we share each day.

Psalm 202 – In praise of work

I sleep well each night,
Waking to expectation,
Knowing my plans belong to God,
Starting with creation’s imagination,
Continuing through each human life,
Gifted to our world’s loving desire,
To seek what can be given,
To the one to whom we all belong.

Each creative act I perform,
Was given by creation’s loving impulse,
I know that work is created from love,
From which each step forward is born,
Love is what sheds light on understanding,
The gift given of human thought,
That searches out our deepest desires,
To transform my uncertainty,
To each task being a balm,
That calms our world’s aching soul.

Psalm 203 – Saying yes to God

The burden of always saying yes,
Led to a daily list of failures,
That mounted up in accusations,
Each day an unscalable mountain,
Yes, was turned to death words,
That led to condemnation,
Of the impossibility of seeking to please.

I discover by going where I need to be,
But, learning to take the time to slow,
To hear what is lost in the wind,
Slowing to feel on my neck,
The sweet breath of God’s whisper,
That holy call to stay and be true,
To learn to wait before I do.

My first word today is to say, “No”,
To a thousand different questions,
That seek to bring complexity,
To what is the simple choice,
Of first saying yes to God.

Psalm 204 – When things go wrong

A thousand pinpricks are certain to kill,
Just as certain as a bullet to the head,
Each day can mounts with frustration,
Passion slowly curls up to die,
Lost in the mass of failures,
Notched up in the daily diary account.

Joy’s slow death has it’s own smell,
The putrid stench of contempt’s gaze,
That stares from its lofty throne,
I am lost in what cannot be changed,
Unless something changes in me,
Broken down, deserted for green fields,
That yield a thousand times more.

But Joy’s heart was opened wide,
To begin to restore my broken heart,
What went wrong will be set right,
As hearts combine in loving embrace,
Celebrating the meagre gifts offered,
From which something beautiful unfolds,
Promises from God are always kept,
Setting things right in Creation’s economy.

Psalm 205 – The art of work

Every morning is painted by the sun’s rays,
Earth’s heartbeat wakens to dawn’s display,
The creator’s work commences with me,
As I begin my daily quest into discovery,
Of what God brings to my life today.

My first task is to open my heart,
With eyes that see beyond a touch,
Appreciating beauty in the everyday,
With open arms to give what is received,
Love’s transforming wonder in your child,
No accidental masterpiece is ever born,
From the beginning our work belongs.

I long to combine heart and call,
To learn to appreciate each gift,
Brought to all who are called to share,
The daily tasks that become our toil,
To join with the Creator’s creation,
In appreciation of what he begun,
Is now continued by my handiwork,
Transforming every drudgery,
Into my daily crafting of love.

Psalm 205 – The art of work

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Every morning is painted by the sun’s rays,
Earth’s heartbeat wakens to dawn’s display,
The creator’s work commences with me,
As I begin my daily quest into discovery,
Of what God brings to my life today.

My first task is to open my heart,
With eyes that see beyond a touch,
Appreciating beauty in the everyday,
With open arms to give what is received,
Love’s transforming wonder in your child,
No accidental masterpiece is ever born,
From the beginning our work belongs.

I long to combine heart and call,
To learn to appreciate each gift,
Brought to all who are called to share,
The daily tasks that become our toil,
To join with the Creator’s creation,
In appreciation of what he begun,
Is now continued by my handiwork,
Transforming every drudgery,
Into my daily crafting of love.

Psalm 204 – When things go wrong

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A thousand pinpricks are certain to kill,
Just as certain as a bullet to the head,
Each day mounts with frustration,
Passion slowly curls up to die,
Lost in the mass of failures,
Notched up in the daily diary account.

Joy’s slow death has it’s own smell,
The putrid stench of contempt’s gaze,
That stares from it’s lofty throne,
I am lost in what cannot be changed,
Unless something changes in me,
Broken down, deserted for green fields,
That yield a thousand times more.

But Joy’s heart was opened wide,
To begin to restore my broken heart,
What went wrong will be set right,
As hearts combine in loving embrace,
Celebrating the meagre gifts offered,
From which something beautiful unfolds,
Promises from God are always kept,
Setting things right in Creation’s economy.

Psalm 92 – My Version

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92

My life is intended to feel the surge of joy,
That comes from living wholeheartedly,
A witness to the certain courage,
That belongs to those who hear God’s voice,
And, the beautiful conversation that emerges,
From words birthed out of Love’s heart.

My actions and his voice joined in perfect timing,
My heart embracing Love’s heartfelt words,
Daily seeking to hear the conversation,
Started because of Creation’s hopeful yearning,
That mine and His story would entwine.

Those who choose not to hear Eternity’s conversation,
Selfishly only speaking empty promises,
Will soon face the aloneness and the hollow echo,
Of the broken dreams that surround,
A story of constant clutching at withered shoots,
Created out of pride’s insatiable urging,
Where more is never enough.

Hope flourishes as the beautiful questions emerge,
That seek to know my heart’s first love,
I discover myself, found in perfect Love’s desire,
My daily God conversation,
Where words are gifts of love,
Seeking out the truth that belongs,
To the story begun my God,
And his conversation with me.

Psalm 203 – Saying yes to God

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The burden of always saying yes,
Led to a daily list of failures,
That mounted up in accusations,
Each day an unscalable mountain,
Yes, was turned to death words,
That led to condemnation,
Of the impossibility of seeking to please.

I discover by going where I need to be,
But, learning to take the time to slow,
To hear what is lost in the wind,
Slowing to feel on my neck,
The sweet breath of God’s whisper,
That holy call to stay and be true,
To learn to wait before I do.

My first word today is to say, “No”,
To a thousand different questions,
That seek to bring complexity,
To what is the simple choice,
Of first saying yes to God.

Psalm 202 – In praise of work

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I sleep well each night,
Waking to expectation,
Knowing my plans belong to God,
Starting with creation’s imagination,
Continuing through each human life,
Gifted to our world’s loving desire,
To seek what can be given,
To the one to whom we all belong.

Each creative act I perform,
Was given by creation’s loving impulse,
I know that work is created from love,
From which each step forward is born,
Love is what sheds light on understanding,
The gift given of human thought,
That searches out our deepest desires,
To transform my uncertainty,

Psalm 201 – The gift of work

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I have decided about the way forward now that I have done all of David’s Psalms.

I want to make each day a Psalm for God so I have worked out a new series that I have called “Psalms for the love of work.” At this point I have 10 themes worked out but you never know there may be more that emerge along the way.

I have started at 201 to acknowledge a gap between the Psalm 150 and this latest understanding. The gift of work is my first Psalm in this series.

The Gift of Work

My day begins celebrating God’s gifts,
He loves the way that I was formed,
I hear his daily nod of approval,
When my plans begin with prayer,
Listening to his desires,
Work becomes my daily offering,
Of creation’s gift of creativity.

Shared with my creator’s image,
Is the gift of my daily effort,
Creator’s gifts discovering human heart,
Transforming routine drudgery,
To daily moments of pleasure,
That seek the best of life’s fullness,
My craft found in my Creator,
As together we share each day.

A Reflection on Psalm 24

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Perfection is what my eyes see in God,
I look to him to know my beginning,
I know my heart is not always faithful,
Yet I long to know all of his mysteries,
To trust him for each day’s existence.

Open my eyes Lord,
So that I can see you clearly,
Make your plans obvious to me,
So that I can confidently enter the fray,
Making each day count for your glory,
Uncertainty cast to the side,
All my old sins put in the forgiveness pile,
Make my pursuit of you single minded.

Today I look for glory to be displayed,
In every encounter I will look to heaven,
Knowing that Eternity understands,
The fight is nearly done,
My blessing is waiting,
Created especially for me,
Because I sought to be known,
And, God chose to know me.

Leadership and Liminality

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About 18 months ago at the end of a retreat I was told that I was in a liminal space. These words came after sharing my story with a group of trusted friends and letting them reflect back to me some of their impressions.

I received their thoughts when much of what I thought I would be leading was gone and I was unsure of what the next step forward would be. There was a period of time when the only productive task that I completed each day was to pick up a load of free mulch that was provided by our electricity company, load it in the boot of our car and spread around our yard. I felt a huge achievement when I got one area of the front yard covered. This was the result of a continuous small effort day after day. In terms of achievements I wasn’t exactly climbing huge mountains.

It was during this time that I questioned if I had anything of value to offer to anyone. My eldest daughter still tells me today that that she was the only person in our family that was employed.

I then came across an article from Harvard Business Review that talked about leadership in liminal times. It began by explaining the term liminal:

The liminal term comes from Arnold van Gennep, the Belgian anthropologist who first outlined the common patterns in how cultures mark transitions from one human state to another (for example, from adolescence to adulthood). In his 1909 book The Rites of Passage he described three stages of separation from one world and entry into another. The liminal (or threshold) stage is central
(HBR)

During my period of liminality I couldn’t see a way forward. The best I could do was to know that, “the way behind had closed”. My life script had been altered in a way that I didn’t expect. I had a picture of how I expected life would work out and it didn’t happen that way.

Firstly I realised I was wrong.

I Thought

I thought that I was strong,
I thought that anything was possible,
All I needed to do,
Was to believe enough in myself,
And, it could be done.

I thought that I was in control,
I thought that I determined my future,
All I needed to do,
Was to have enough things,
And, my world was secure.

I was wrong.

This was one of the key discoveries I have made in slightly more than 50 years of living. Admitting that I was wrong, and that I was not in control gave incredible freedom to begin to contemplate the possibilities for the future.

Commenting l on van Gennep’s work, anthropologist Victor Turner explained it as “a moment when those being moved in accordance with a cultural script were liberated from normative demands…. In this gap between ordered worlds almost anything may happen.”

The word “liminal” comes from the Latin word limens, meaning literally, “threshold.” A liminal space, the place of transition, waiting, and not knowing is:

…a unique spiritual position where human beings hate to be but where the biblical God is always leading them. It is when you have left the tried and true, but have not yet been able to replace it with anything else. It is when you are finally out of the way. It is when you are between your old comfort zone and any possible new answer. If you are not trained in how to hold anxiety, how to live with ambiguity, how to entrust and wait, you will run…anything to flee this terrible cloud of unknowing.
– Richard Rohr

The “threshold” was a terrible place to have to wait at because none of my old excuses worked. There was nothing to hide behind, only the certainty that all my old protections were gone.

Secondly being wrong is not the final word.

For a while I had nothing to lead. But, then slowly I again took on some life responsibility. This was firstly for my family. There was much that I had neglected during my pre-liminal and liminal period that required my attention. I remember one day looking into the backyard and being surprised by the young man playing cricket in the backyard, it was my son. But, I had missed some important growing that had gone unnoticed by me.

In some of the most important places I had left a gaping hole that could not be fixed in an instant. There are some wounds that are bit like Humpty Dumpty’s predicament, “all the king’s horses and all the king’s men couldn’t put Humpty together again”. For me the coming back together was in a very different shape from what we had before.

Then, slowly I felt creativity begin to reemerge. Ideas began surfacing. Most of them totally impractical but I began allowing myself to dream again. This began my pathway back to believing that there was some hope.

Thirdly be ready for hope to emerge.

What does hope look like?

Smiles that start in my heart,
Songs that I feel in my stomach,
Shadows that cool the harsh light,
Rainbows where I know the end is close,
Dreams that are doused with love,
Ideas that are bigger than me,
Calling that knows my name.

This period was marked by a lot of uncertainty. I found it difficult to plan anything because I had no idea of what was to be next. And, because I believed I had been so wrong I hesitated to make any decision in case it ended being more disastrous than what I had just done. But, hope wouldn’t allow uncertainty to have the final word.

One of the most valuable activities was to have a retreat day with my wife. It was a day of silence, listening and talking. It led us to a discerning of the path forward for us. This discerning didn’t mean there was an immediate transformation but it did allow me to hold the liminal tension a little more easily. For me this day was the beginning of seeing the way forward but there was still a lot of uncertainty yet to come.

As hope returned new leadership opportunities emerged. I began to see any possibility with a new humility. The arrogance of self sufficiency was clearly shown to me to be an illusion. As Dickens says so well in “The Tale of Two Cities”,

“It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the age of wisdom, it was the age of foolishness, it was the epoch of belief, it was the epoch of incredulity, it was the season of Light, it was the season of Darkness, it was the spring of hope, it was the winter of despair, we had everything before us, we had nothing before us, we were all going direct to Heaven, we were all going direct the other way”.
I am able to look to that liminal period as a significant marker in my life. It’s still very close and maybe the way forward is still emerging. But, as David Whyte says, it’s during these times that transformation can begin. That without some despair, or destruction something new cannot emerge.

There are three gems that I have picked up during this time,

  1. Admit where things went wrong.
  2. Recognise that this is not the final word.
  3. Look for hope to emerge.

Leadership and the Psalms – Part one

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Note: I have used “he” when describing the leader in the third person. This was not meant to be exclusive but chosen because much of this post is written in the first person. Because I am a male I thought it would be best if this was consistent in the post. My apologies for the limitations of language to adequately convey the non gender tone I desired.)

Over the past year I have been finding myself in the Psalms by making the Psalmist’s prayers my prayers. I have sought to find God’s and my own voice as I have rewritten them in my own words. My methodology wasn’t correctly exegetical in anyway and I think sometimes the reader may have difficulty in recognising the original Psalm. While rewriting the Psalms I have discovered some great personal truths as I have travelled with the Psalmist and his journey of love, justice, rest, God, faithfulness, betrayal, disappointment and the rest of the gamut of human experience.

Because of its length I will divide this essay into two sections. This first section will cover my exploration of my first two themes about leadership and the Psalms. They are as follows:

  1. Leadership and loneliness.
  2. Leadership and disappointment

Then in Part Two I will explore the following two themes:

  1. Leadership and rest.
  2. Leadership and courage.

The first two themes will explore some of the shadows that accompany leadership and then in part two it will look at the places where there is light.

The reason why most of the Psalms are written is because leadership is tough. The psalmist is usually facing a situation that is very difficult and often feels like it’s beyond his control. Prayer is the way that he is able to work out the way forward in his understanding of the situation in the context of belonging to God.

My key points in this post flow from the understanding that leadership can be difficult. As I have written my own versions of the Psalms I have sometimes reflected on my leadership experiences and empathised with the Psalmist and his leadership journey. The words that have emerged in my versions of the Psalms have come from my heart as I have found myself in his prayers.

As the themes emerged in my writing of the Psalms new words were brought to me each day as I uncovered a prayer in my heart for that day. One of the most confronting themes for me was that of betrayal, where those who I thought would be there in a crisis didn’t turn up and even worse I watched as they turned their backs on me. Disappointment is that knowing I was deserted and then seeing those people becoming my most vehement critics. This is often the leader’s lonely path and one that we know was experienced by David who is one of the main psalmists.

The second theme that I will write about in this section is that of disappointment. Disappointment emanates from a sense not belonging and the often hurtful discovery of this can be transformative. I felt one of my deepest hurts when I was told that I didn’t belong to something that I helped create. Although this rejection was deeply painful the experience was also the start of something transformative in my life. This is the nature of opposition that is often firstly painful before it becomes transforming that every leader will face and then need to decide how to respond to.

1. Leadership is lonely.

There are some really tough lonely conversations that the leader will have as he leads. Most literature on communication and leadership is about the way the leader speaks to those he leads but the leader is also required to listen to those around him. These conversations when tinged with betrayal and accusation can bring a sense of separation leading to a despairing loneliness.

All of us desire a deep connection with another person, when it happens it’s a discovery of that place where we we truly belong. In my versions of the Psalms I have often referred to that sense of belonging as, “home”. Loneliness is that place that makes us seek out togetherness and brings us to where we desire home above all else. As I wrote Psalm 143 I was recognising the gift of togetherness with God when compared to an angry outburst I had recently faced where the person’s aim was to lash out and hurt me.

As I watched this person’s anger reflected in his words and eyes I felt that deep disappointment of a betrayed trust that any such outburst brings. To help deal with this I sought God’s mercy, one version of this Psalm starts it with, “Lord, hear my prayer”. This is every person’s desire, we want to be heard. One of the leader’s most important tasks is to hear the voice of others but sometimes in the midst of that it can be difficult to find a place where he is heard.

Psalm 143
Mercy is my heart’s cry today,
This morning your gift is its sweet words,
I allow only these words to fill me,
My dear enemy spews constant hate,
His cold eyes that have dark souls,
Drawing me into their emptiness,
Wanting to see me cling to false hope,
I feel the pain of disappointment,
The desert of loneliness,
When what was important,
Was too easily discarded for a trinket.

These words came to me as I considered the encounter in which I experienced vehement opposition that spilled over to become very personal statement about me. At first I was surprised by what I saw in the person’s eyes because I expected the gift of friendship. This was replaced by words that sought to drive me away. I was shocked that something so special as the deep connection I thought we had could be betrayed so easily by the other person.

This took me to the place of loneliness, where my prayers to God were for mercy. I was seeking a sense of togetherness and this was now lost in this relationship. Loneliness brought about by being told I didn’t belong was a haunting hurt that required mercy’s voice to speak to me in a more loving way. This emerged from Psalm 143 and many other Psalms that have found me in that alone place.

2. Leadership is disappointing

Disappointment makes us reconsider reality, and question what we thought was secure. It can help us reconsider our sometimes too generous assessment of the loyalty of others. It can bring us back to a more realistic truthful assessment of the motivations of others.

I can be overly optimistic about the intentions of others and loyal without the common sense of wisdom. This has led to deep disappointments when this loyalty has not been repaid in the way that I thought it would to be. I was guilty of making a deep emotional commitments that were never going to be reciprocated. In hindsight I should have seen the signs that betrayal was inevitable and been wiser in what I allowed my heart to be open to.

For me disappointment and opposition often come together to create a sense of overwhelmingness. When the opposition mounts I know I can feel quite besieged. Inundated by the words that are often carefully chosen to bring the maximum hurt I have recoiled into a state of numbness born from disappointment.

Psalm 43
Disappointment is a constant companion,
Opposition seems to dog every step,
Love isn’t my natural response,
To those who use confusion as their weapon,
Even those my own side are difficult,
Saying one thing but doing another,
They should be sticking up for me,
But, they are blocking my light,
I can’t see a way forward,

What will I do?

I think my best response to disappointment comes out of Psalm 142. I know that I have not always wanted to make love my first response but this was not right. I have discovered It is to whom I give my love that is important and will help shed light on the way forward. Making God my first love has helped me to be better able to love others.

I won’t depend on anyone now,
Except my God’s love,
Too many disappointments have come,
These seek to overwhelm me,
The powerful destruction of divided attention,
Is what slowly destroys love’s desire.

This world is always going to give its share of disappointments. Plans will not work out as we anticipated, people will be disloyal, we will be told we don’t belong. Each of us will experience these disappointments in our own way but one of life’s guarantees is all of us will experience it.

I know that when the disappointments have inundated me I have responded with uncertainty and by withdrawing. But, as I have sought God first and my attention has become less divided I have found the deep hurt of disappointment is able to be understood and then used as a transformative tool.

Leadership is a transformative task that requires the leader to work out their disappointments. Being let down is a part of the deal but as I learn to give my undivided attention I am better able to serve those who share a sense of togetherness in a task or common goal.

On the other other side of disappointment comes the possibility of transformation. Often what lies before has to be taken away before real change can happen. The leader’s task is to take up that disappointment and bring the group together with an undivided attention.

I finished Psalm 142 in this way:

My heart longs for a shared intentions,
The love of God above all things,
Lost in the maze of endless distraction,
But, I am brought home by trust in God,
Despairing of any loyalty,
My cry for help is heard,
Instead of pain I seek out the goodness,
That my God has given me.

Conclusion

Excerpt from “Monet Refuses the Operation”
by Lisel Mueller, from Second Language
if only you could see
how heaven pulls earth into its arms
and how infinitely the heart expands
to claim this world, blue vapour without end.

In the worst moments of my leadership journey I have wanted to disappear into a vacuum of nothingness. But, with a wife and four children and responsibilities crowding in from every direction this is not always possible.

What saved me was being able to take the time to step back from my circumstances. I was able to gain some perspective about my own loneliness and the deep disappointments that have come my way. I write this knowing that I have lived a privileged life that many people in this world would envy yet I still experience this deep yearning for what I believe is possible in the way that we work and live together. Writing my own version of the Psalms enabled me to pull the earth into the arms of heaven. The exploration of this world is expansive with increasing possibility that only expands my leadership capacity further as I bring God into the conversation.